W:I:S:H:E:S

Hey again. I know this is my third for today, but I'm feeling a lot of emotions right now and I'm just doing my best to work through them.

This one is about my dad. Today he made me so mad that I very nearly threw up right where I sat. I had tears in my eyes, I cry when I get truly mad, truly aggrevated. He's done it before too. Thats the worst part. I'm just not good enough. Not at all. The very first time I ever have to fill out any sort of paper work I come to him to ask for help with it, so I knew I was putting the right things down, he starts yelling at me because of my penmenship and because I couldent do the paperwork myself. Just not good enough for him.

One night I said something about wanting to go running(I had been upset, when I am upset beyond the point of caring I sometimes run, just because the physical pain takes me away from all the emotional pain I feel). He said yes, that would be a good idea, that I am getting fat. You dont tell a fourteen year old that. Thats why girls become annorexic and bolemic.

I had strep throat this past Spring, I knew I had it, I could see the sores and everything in the back of my throat, and I had all of the symptoms. He called me a Hypochondriac and would not take me to the doctor's. He told me to gargle salt water. Salt water doesnt get rid of a bacterial/viral infection. (Cant remember which that strep throat is) My mom ended up having to take me to the doctor because my dad would not. When I finally got the meds everything cleared up in a few days. Of course, after a few more days I break out head to toe in hives, allergic to the penicillan they gave me for the strep throat. Go figure.

Tonight I was just sitting there in a chair. I had went to a friend's church this morning, and I asked him how the service at our church was. He said it was okay, and that he had saw Jeff(mom's ex-husband) and his mom there. I said that was good and all. And he said that noah was looking better, I just kinda looked at him funny. He said that Noah was probably the ugliest baby he had ever seen.

A slap in the face? More like a bullet to the head. I may not like kids or anything, but Noah is my brother. My dad is a hypocrit to an extreme, and the way he talks when he is not at church, thats why Christians have bad names! I very very nearly threw up where I sat. I got so angry my eyes started tearing up and I went to my room for awhile.

Nothing is calming me down. I text'd with my sister for a long time about it, and she made me feel a bit better. I asked her what she did when he made her sick like that, she said that she always escaped to her mom's and there was nothing he could do about it. But I can't do that. My mom has no legal rights, since my dad didnt let the adoption go through when they were still married. And shes not legally my mom, my birth mother died when I was three months. So I never actually knew her. So Cindy is my mom and always has been. But we still have no legal rights, and I really cant do anything until I'm 18, and I hate it.

-Wishes-

I just want to run away from here... From who I am... From everything, from everyone.... I just want to leave. Everything is causing pain. One of my best friends is leaving. My dad has made me so mad that I've felt like throwing up for the past hour. A person that I have considered a best friend for many months now, has decided that he cares about no one, nor anything. I thought I had fallen in love, with someone worthy of it. I was wrong, go figure. I'm wrong about everything now-a-days. Nothing is right... nothing is how it should me. I just want to run away. I want to cry. I want to scream until my voice fails and I can never speak again. I just want to release myself from all emotion, so I never have to feel anything for anyone again. There is two truths in my life right now.

The first is my religion, my God. Unchanging, unmovable. I know I can get through this with him.

But the only other I have... I'm scared to even name, for fear that even that will fall to be a lie. Everything else seems to, why not the very small bit of trust I have left in the human race? why not? Why not just finish crushing me and be done with it. Break me into a bloody pulp, at least then I know that I can truly sink no lower. At least then the only way out will be up.

-Wishes-

When you start to fall, be it just from tripping, or falling from a highplace, you get a certain feeling, a rush. "OH-NO" always goes through your mind. Once you touch the ground, you wonder what is wrong, what is, not right. There is always something that is not quite right. And sometimes we can't even target it for awhile.

Given all of this, and after thinking it over, is it really any wonder, that everyone uses the expression "Falling in Love". There always ends up being some factor, some stupid thing that just is not right. You start to fall... When you realise it, just like when you physically fall, you cannot stop it. You just think "OH-NO", brace yourself, and really, that is all that you can do. After you fall, you lay there in a kind of stupor most times. You lay there wondering what the heck is going on, and how you got on the floor. Same thing with love, have you noticed? You stop thinking, stop being, you just sit there all day wondering how you got to be where you are.

I hate falling, it leaves you with all sorts of scratches and bruises.

I hate being in love, it leaves you will all kinds of brokeness and heartache.

So there is my rant on "Falling" and "Love".

-Wishes-

Oh wow what a week. And it's only Tuesday... This bodes well...... *rolls eyes*

Lets see, today I felt utterly defeated. I mean, truly. It doesnt seem to matter what I like, what I'm good at, always someone better is there... Which really hurts. I try to be good at being smart and apply for NCSSM. Not accepted. I try and let others see through my eyes, and I enter a poetry contest. Not even a finalist. A friend tells me that she has been asked to take pictures for yearbook. If it was an upperclassman, I'd understand more, but she's in my grade... gees.

I guess I shall be truly childish for a few moments and say, "ITS NOT FAIR!" My temper is getting the better of me, and depression is settling in ten-fold. Oh it hurts my friends, I does. If feels almost as if darkness is pouring from me, and I hate this feeling. I would like to share a quote from a book I am reading.

"I felt my heart fill like an empty cup, fill to over flowing, felt a wash like light sweep over me from top to toe until there was no room for darkness."

Wow, beautiful is it not? I love that quote.... (BTW: it is from the book Song in the Silence, by Elisabeth Kerner)

That quote really made me think for awhile. You see, in the book, that is how the main character describes the dragons. How they make her feel, they were all legend, and but a dream to her. Then dream becomes reality.

In truth, I sat back and questioned myself, "Do I have something that makes me fill that overwhelming joy? That can just wash away all the darkness and emptyness that I feel?" Well that was an almost immediate response from my heart, "God Dixie. When you talk to God, have not you yourself described it as being embraced in the warmest hug, a being of pure light that floods you with joy that you feel at no other time?" Well, after asking myself such a hypothetical question, I had to answer, "yes yes... Thats right, and I know that... I did describe it like that to myself once when I became aware of it...."

Just incase you didnt know, I DO have conversations with myself. Quite indepth now and again! In any case, I know that God brings me that joy. He has for a very long time, I know no sorrow when I feel that warm light embracing me. He heals my wounds while I am with Him. But I wonder, do all feel that way? Or do other people describe it in different ways? I cant help but wonder, being the curious soul that I am.

Well, I am going back to Chrysalis this weekend to serve in Big House, so maybe I can ask a few fellows! ^_^

I have much more to say... But truthfully I cant put all of my emotions to words right now. With each passing day I realise more love than the last, more compassion for these people. I dont like being around people, but I'm growing fond of a certain 3.

Here is something else, these 3, that I would call my best friends right now, I have only known one of them since about November, and the other two, only around a year. Yet I count each one of them as my best friends, along with my sister. But she is family, lol. It makes me stop and wonder at how quickly things are changing, you know? Last year I dont htink I could have named 3 in any case, but these three I havnt known near as long as people that I have called "Best Friends" in the past, yet I feel a kinship to them that far surpasses the bonds of friendship that I have had in the past. Its strange to think about...

In anycase, I'm ready to get off here. So fair well my friend, until next I type and you read! ~_^

-Wishes-

Currently Reading:
Song In The Silence : The Tale of Lanen Kaelar
Elizabeth Kerner
see related

I have no clue what is causing this... I've been so depressed since like... friday. I've talked a lot to tyler and all about it, it just feels like there is darkness flowing out of every pore on my body. Like im drowning in it even... It's really really scarey. Mom seems to think it might be just my horomones, but I dont know. Shes going to make me an appointment with a doctor and then we will talk about it. I dont know if they will give me depression meds or birthcontrol. Who knows. This whole thing scares me though, It has for awhile...

I've been depressed a lot lately... But really it's been off and on now for 2 years, since eighth grade. I cant shake it. I mean, I know that everything is going to be okay, I know it, God and I had a very long conversation the other day and He told me as much. But things arent okay right now... Right now things hurt, a lot. I almost feel like my heart has been crushed and thrown into a lake. The pieces are just out of my reach, and I can't gather them up by myself, so hard as I may try.

I mean... I know a part of why I am so depressed right now... It's because I've realised for the first time in a long time how few friends I have. At school I have Leeanna. I talk to her. Sometimes I do talk to Ashley B. but mostly thats about our love interests. lol... But thats who I have at school. On the weekends(sometimes) and online during the week, I have Ben. And hes great... but lately I feel like the friendship itself is falling to dust. I may just feel that way because we havnt talked much lately, and truly he has a justifyable reason, and I dont blame him at all, but still. Hes been a great friend throughout the past year, and I'm really starting to miss that. Then there is Tyler. Hes my online friend. He knows more about me than I do, I can certainly say that. Hes one of the best friends I have EVER had. He cares enough to look deeper into what I am saying, and try and figure out what it is that I am not saying. He's such a great guy and he helps me out so much, just talking, and cheering me up when I need it even. Him and Ben are so much alike... It really scares me sometimes. It's crazy, but then again they are VERY different. I just cant explain it really.

And those are my friends right now... I used to have other friends, but they've kind of drifted away. Sometimes they come back briefly, but just as quickly they leave again. One such friendship I have been the only one in it to try and keep things together and all, and I have finally tired of it. Why should I always be the one to strike up a conversation and all? I'm very tired of it, its been going on for over a year now... I guess in my persuit of knowledge and integrity, I have lost out on the fun that is meant to be had in High School. The friends that are supposed to be made. Two of those 3 good friends I mentioned before are in college. I love them, but I cant have them to talk to when something is said at school that just crawls under my skin and eats away at me. I've missed out on a lot of the fun of highschool really. I don't regret many of the things I've done since being in highschool, just my whole nineth grade year. I treated people badly that year and i wish i could make that up.

But since then, I hold no regret for falling in love with my best friend, even when he cant love me back. I hold no regret for reaching with all of my heart for something I desired so much that I cried when I failed to reach that goal. I hold no regret for letting go of something I loved, and trusting in God to make sure I healed afterwards. I hold no regret for trying to make things right with the friends from my past. I hold no regret for *most* of the things I've said. I've tried to live the way my heart and God decrees this year, 10th grade. I've tried, and in many ways I've succeeded.

One thing I can say that I regret is letting this darkness take hold of me right now when a friend needs me most. It couldent have come at a worse time, but what doesnt kill us, makes us stronger. And I believe that everything happens for a reason, to some end. There is a reason why I had this darkness in my heart right now. I'll find that reason one day, but for today I have to content myself in saying, that there is a reason.

Currently Reading:
Song In The Silence : The Tale of Lanen Kaelar
Elizabeth Kerner
see related

Well, I've decided to take a break from my myspace blog, there are just somethings going on right now that I dont need those people reading! Yes indeedy.

In anycase, I have updated the site. New look, new pages, I'm getting a photo album up soon. And I have a guestbook now, so I really encourage everyone to sign it now! pllllleeeeeaaaaassssseeeee?

Well thats all for now, but believe me I'll be writing again soon! Thanks for reading.

-Wishes-

Currently Reading:
Eragon (Inheritance, Book 1)
Christopher Paolini
see related