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Love Transforms

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:39:00 -0500

Only I can know thedepth of my love. Only I can know how much I love or despise a person. Don'tseek to judge me, lest I choose to despise you. I hold great depths of emotion,great depths and capabilities of love. I'm not allowed to love to my full capacitythough, so how do I hold all of this in.

Love, unfelt andunused, does not stay love. It must change into something useful, somethingexpressible, and when there is no other choice, yes. Love becomes hate. Itbecomes indifference. It becomes longing, lusting, depression, sadness,craziness, and most of all it becomes pain. You can't love, and not use thatlove, without consequence. Pain is the only thing that will come of it, we mustlearn this, and we must endure it.

Do I want to love,and keep that love as love? Yes. Who wouldn't. Am I allowed to love, no, I amnot. I am not allowed to love in the way that I wish, and it kills me. It ismind-numbingly painful. I cannot breathe and I cannot think, because lovetransforms itself into a severe depression that darkens my mind, body, heart,and spirit. It is no way to live, this life of non-loving. It is justexistence.

Yet, there is noreal existence without love, is there?

Sunny Day

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 20:44:00 -0500

Smiles can keep the frowns away. I love a good day. And any day I get to love on my favorite people, is an amazing day. And tomorrow will be an amazing day with my best friend. And Thursday will be an amazing day visiting a youth group. Its going to be my first amazing week of the year! Yay for feeling GREAT, finally.

Write Like Fools

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 13:21:00 -0400

Funny how people change.... I think I will be an artist today, a poet tomorrow, and a photographer for the rest of my life. Lets write like fools my friend, for none shall know the fools we play but you and I and the sly blind eye.

Ugly The Cat

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 11:46:00 -0400

I stumbled across this story I took from my old computer. I don't know who wrote it, but its a good one. Enjoy.

-Wishes-

Ugly The Cat

Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and, shall we say, love.

The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye and where the other should have been was a hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, and even his shoulders

Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!!"

All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction.

If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness.

Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love.

If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.

One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's dogs. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end.

As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. It must be hurting him terribly, I thought.

Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear. Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I
could hear the distinct sound of purring.

Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.

At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.
Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly.

Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.

Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me...
I will always try to be Ugly.

Author Unknown

fasting from surfing, praying that this is lasting

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 14:13:03 -0400

Well, very obviously, I have not blogged in over a week. In fact, it has been twelve days. I bet you were wondering if I died werent you? I didnt. But I was in Church last Sunday, and Bo preached on how we build walls between ourselves and God. Well, God sort of tapped me on the shoulder, and told me that I've been doing that exact thing with the internet. It has become a wall between Him and I. So I took a week off to try and break down that wall, and man, have I been blessed immensly this week!

The very first thing I have to say is, this is all God. All things good come from Him. And the bad places, the rotten spots on the apples that are our lives, those are there to teach us lessons. I've learned that. Only through God can we get over those rotten spots, and only by God's blessing may we experiance the happiness and love that can be found in life. I've had a lot of soul searching to do this past week, and that has really come into view.

Okay, lets start things off with Derek.

well, lets see, last friday, not two days ago but the one before that, I went out to eat and to see a movie with a few friends. They had decided to set up me and another of their friends, Derek. At the movies we ended up holding hands and that was pretty okay and all. He seemed like a nice guy, so I just thought, maybe I can get to know him better. Well, the next day I had to be in town for a festival, and I got him to come in, and we sat down on the railroad tracks listening to some people up on the pavillion singing, and we talked for right around two hours. graduation was later that night, and after graduation we went to the mexican again, and it was me and him and ashley and rance.

Well that was all good and fun, but the big surprise came about Monday night. We talked a little bit at ABC on monday, nothing much, and he just said he would call later. Me, thinking 'typical guy' falls asleep about 10:30 or so, I was tired from taking care of the kids at the day care all day. 11 o'clock rolls around and my phone starts ringing. It's derek. That night we talked from 11 to 4am. 5 hours.

I dont know if I could begin to say what we talked about. But we talked. There were no long quiet times, nothing. We talked the whole time. Just about what we believe, our ideas about different things, all of this. and probably even more. lol... It was awesome though. I've never had a conversation that long, much less with a guy. Well, the next two nights after that we talked around 3 and 3 and a half hours. Thursday he came and picked me up and we went to eat then see Over the Hedge. Which was HALARIOUS by the way. I liked it. haha.... then he came back to my house around 9ish, and he met my mom and brother. Then my mom went on to bed about 10. We just sat there watching tv and talking, and then I looked up at the clock and it was about 12:15. Yeah, time flies I guess. I hadnt even noticed. That was thursday night, Friday night he came and picked me up about 7:30. The movie started at 7. So we found Ashley and Rance and sat down next to them, we had went to a movie called.... The Lake House, unless I'm mistaken. I dont know. But we missed the first thirty minutes, and it was CONFUSING. Him and I sat there laughing during the movie. The biggest outbreak of laughter was probably at the line "He died two years ago." sad huh? A few seconds before I had leaned over and told Derek that that is what was going to be said. (Once you've seen one chick flick, youve seen them all...... sooooo boring) So when it actually got said, he just busted out laughing, and I couldent help laughing at the irony. "He died." *HAHAHAHAHAHAH* yeah. We got a few strange looks, not the least being from Ashley and Rance, Ashley who was all teary eyed. ohhhh that was funny.

Anyways, after that we went back to my house maybe 15 or 20 minutes. Then I had to go back to town to pick up Le, so he rode with me to get her, then we all went back to my house, and Le unstringed my guitar and put the new strings on. yay, go LE!!!!!! she rocks, which, we had to have Derek get one string out, because it was just stuck horribly. but we got it out so its all good now. He left around 12 ish.

Then last night I took apart my room. If you have ever seen pics of it, I have wolves EVERYWHERE. EVERYYYYYYYY WHERE. I took ALL of them down, except for the big print over my bed, and the two smaller prints to either side. I'll try and take a pic before I get everything back up. It looks so wierd. My room is soooo....... not me right now.

Anyways, about 9:30 i got hungry and i was home alone so i drove to town and got a sub at subway and pulled over to eat. Derek called about nine forty five and I probably stayed in town about 20 minutes after that, called him back when I got home... Got off the phone around four am. 6 hours worth of phone time. How does that work really? How can there be so much to say, to talk for six hours. I know we spend a good amount of time talking about trust and stuff. A good amount, our different ideas on it and all. And at least an hour talking about birthcontrol. Cause he had found it in my room and asked me what it was, so I told him right out, I told him why I took it, and it really scared me to tell him.

I have told him about my true love waits comittment, and he said he felt the same way, no sex before marriage and all. And I was afraid that he may not trust me enough when I told him about it, I would have told him, but I wanted to wait until I could know how he would react. But I told him, and he took it well and all. He promised me not to tell anyone, beyond my mom and I, only Rach and Le know that I take it. I dont want that out around Andrews, thats how gossip gets started, even when its not true. Sadly, if people found that out, stuff would probably start going around about Derek and all too. I really dont want that. Rumors were flying when I went out with John, and after that, it would be easy for people to believe what they want. So all I can do is just try to keep this thing to myself so I dont have things going around about me that arent true like that.

Thats enough for now, I have some things I need to do. I'll try and post more later.

Love always,

-Wishes-

Currently Reading:
Indwelling: Left Behind #7
Jerry P. Jenkins, Tim LaHaye
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Letting Go

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 21:03:29 -0400

I wonder, when, and how, do you know, when it is time to let someone you love go? In the past few months, I have found myself learning to love unconditionally, and I can't say that I like it. I feel so wounded, and yet I love. I get my heart broken more than I ever thought I could stand, and yet I still love. My trust is taken and thrown out the window, (one of the very worst crimes that can be committed against me) and yet... I still love.

Is there something wrong with me, or am I growing? I realise that I have changed a lot, even in just this past year. I've never been able to catch it as I change though, and catch what all is changing. But I feel like I've taken myself out of this 'time stream' and am standing back watching everything flow past me. I'm changing, oh yes. I have allowed my heart to be taken more easily than I ever could have thought, I have learned to cry, to let out all of my pent-up frustrations, angers, and hurts. I have learned to laugh again, and to just spend time with my friends, something I havnt done since the eighth grade. I've learned to let go of things easier, and to forgive.

I'm changing, yes, but is this growth, or decay. (time to go into algebraic terms, however much I hate to do so)

I had coasted along for quite sometime, just the same person, but since January, my growth(or decay) has been exponential. It just keeps going, though I know not where. I think, that whether this is growth or decay, still has yet to be decided. There is a decision looming in my near future (I tingle with the feeling of it), and I believe that that decision will ultimately shape who I am to be. I have an idea of what this decision might be.... Though I know that God loves to throw little twists and turns in our lives to make things interesting. Soon my friends, soon is all I know, but, at least, it IS something that I know.

Love has both lost and won many battles for me. And there is a war in my soul right now, though I've bypassed it so many times in the past, it's quickly become to large to ignore, sadly. So will this new unconditional love be with me, or against me?

my love,

-Wishes-

Currently Reading:
Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths & Stories About the Wild Woman Archetype
Clarissa Pinkola Estes
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In Memory of you, My dear old friend

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 17:58:17 -0400

I found out today, when I got home from my Youth group, that an old friend of mine, Shonda, died Friday night. Her friend had come and picked her up to take her to work, it was between 10:30 and 11, and she wasnt wearing a seatbelt. They werent two miles from her house, a dog came out in the road, and they swirved to miss it, and ended up hitting a tree. She was killed instantly.

I remember Shonda, mainly from when we were little. The first time we met, our parents ended up taking us somewhere, and we were in the back seat, and we were playing a game, the red lights, like in front of us were the good guys, our friends. But the white lights, like in the other lane, were the bad guys, and we had to duck down as soon as we saw them, before their lights could shine on us.

That is probably my very most vivid memory. That night we became two red lights. Two red lights on a car headed in the same direction. She was the only friend I had outside of my family while I lived in Georgia, and I loved her to death. She was sweet, and kind, and caring... I havnt seen her in at least a year, and now she is gone. I didnt get to go down to Georgia to stay with my family last year.... so I didnt get to see her and catch up..... and now its too late. I'll never again have the chance to laugh with her, to look back on the past and remember all the things we did together as children. Shonda, was one of a kind. She had a very hard life... Her mom didnt really know how to raise her, and I think she ended up living with her grandparents after a while. But she always had the sweetest disposition. I don't think I can ever forget her. There are always those people in your life that you will never forget, Shonda was one of those people.

I love you Shonda, and I will never forget you. Your light was always a beacon to me, and I loved you like a sister. I'll miss you, but I know that you are now in a far better place than I am.

Forever in my memory,

-Dixie-

Mixed Emotions

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 20:01:13 -0400

Yesterday was actually good. Out of the whole week I had had, it was going well. Then I put my car in reverse and hit my mom's truck. My passenger's side mirror is barely hanging on, and its in no position where I can see out of it. *sigh* When oh when will this week be over?

Today, in itself, has been okay. I'm scared to say that though, for fear something else will happen. But nothing disastrous YET. Of course, I really don't know what else could go wrong.

We reviewed most of the day today in all my classes and all. Which wasnt too bad. And tomorrow around 12 or 1 my sister is supposed to be in, and me and her, and some of her people are going rafting on the river. I think that'll be fun, i go at least once a summer anyways, and going with my sister should be a blast. Maybe itll get my mind off of everything. After they leave I plan on going to walmart to get some pictures printed off so I can go ahead and get some letters to two friends of mine sent out.

I had a conversation with a friend earlier, one I dont wish to repeat, it just has to do with my personal opinons on a matter, one involving my life, and something I have thought about extensively one way or another. Now that friend seems to be upset with me, and I dont know why... We have just recently gotten to know each other again, gotten to talking after almost a year of silence. I seem to be able to piss anyone/everyone off these days. And I certainly dont try. What a week........

My love and prayers,

-Wishes-

Currently Listening To:
The Possibility and the Promise
Amber Pacific
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The Storm

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 06:45:25 -0400

Hey again everyone. This one is about my 'Storm'

You see, just about everything in my life, I can relate to 'The Storm'. Thats what I call my troublesome times, so if you are on msn or yahoo or something and you see some cryptic message about a storm, it is probably referring to some troublesome times in my life. In anycase, I have written two poems about the storm, one in 2004, and one in 2006. I am going to post them here so you dont have to go looking for them, lol, but as you read them, note the differences that has come over my 'Storms' in the past two years. My different take on the storm, and my different view as to each of the aspects. Here is the one from December 13, 2004:

The Storm of My Soul

Deep Clouds roil above,
Thunder echoes in the distance,
Lightning flashes just before,
Wind whips unmercifully at the trees,
And I smile.

The storm is a release of the anger that I have felt,
The clouds that roil, are deep within my soul, the very pains inflicted against me.
The thunder is the noise of those who so infuriate me,
The lightning; the flashing of my own eyes, a warning to all those who see, of the wrath that is to come.
The wind is my true release, the cleansing breath through my very soul.
And I smile, for now I am free.

-Aria X-

And from May 20, 2006:

The Storm

As the thunder rolls, there is no more room for fear,
When your very heart beats to the steady thrum,
All that lives in you is that sound, the Power of the Storm.

As the lightning courses through your veins, there is no more room for emotion,
When that searing light burns away all of the impurities you carry,
All that you feel is the fiery heat, the Cleansing of the Storm.

As the wind blows, there is no more room for questions,
When the wind grabs your hair and whips at the burdens on your shoulders,
All that you carry is the feather-weight of air, the Freedom of the Storm.

As the rain falls, all is washed away,
When the rain touches your face and sinks into your heart,
All that can be, is the Purity of the Storm.

-Aria X-

These are what I feel, and what I relate to in my life. A friend of mine has something similar, but he calls his the matrix, everything can relate back to that. I guess everyone has their own version of "The Storm", but this is mine, this is how I view things, and this, this is why I will go out of my way to sit out in a storm. Watch the lightning, hear the thunder, feel the raindrops fall heavily on my skin. The storm makes all right again, its a gift from God for me.

In all of my love and prayers,

-Wishes-

Currently Listening To:
Fly
Blind Guardian
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A Day in the Life of Me. Gone Bad.

Wed, 31 May 2006 23:44:54 -0400

So I woke up fairly early this morning, and was able to get ready for school quite early, and get on the internet to check my messages and the such. I was actually quite happy about that and figured that it spelt out a good day.

wrong.

I got to school, talked to johnathan for a short bit, but I was still happy, hes a pretty good guy. Then ate breakfast with Le and the gang and prayed. Homeroom-then Biology. In biology we mated and ate butterflies. -Dont ask- So the next part is where my day starts to take a turn.

Between 1st and 2nd block, I decide I need to use the bathroom. So I be-bop towards the ladies room, and once I get there, I figure out that my monthly illness is early. And me with no supplies. So I have to borrow a friend's cell and promise not to get it taken up (I tend to leave mine in the car, since i put the body-glove on it, it is a bit big for my pocket) and I call my mom with it. So she comes and picks me up, then takes me home for a little while. And we get to talking about my dad issues, and of course I start crying. Anyways, then she takes me back to school, I make her check my tires because I had noticed the drivers front side was getting low. I was right, it was at 25lbs when it should have been around 32lbs. So she takes my car to have my tires filled while im at school -no big-.

Back in math class. yay. Geometry ends. Then Algebra 2 begins. Algebra is just a big horror story for me. Me and Josh argue for a bit, then I sign No-No's yearbook. That was fun. Lunch, *munchmunchmunch* Back to algebra for an hour.... *bored*

Then on to chorus. So I sit down outside the chorus room next to ms. cozart. She askes me what is wrong(because for some reason she always knows) and I tell her my big long story about my dad and all. Really, ms cozart and tyler, if i had ANYONE in this world to go to for advice, they would be it. Next to my bff Jesus of course! ^_^ haha, but Hes not of this world is He? At least not at the moment. Anyways, they both have very good heads on their shoulders, and as I told Coz today, shes like a second mom to me, she always has been. I love her to death, shes been my favorite teacher since the sixth grade.

Back to my story now. I told her all that, she gave me some pretty sound advice, and of course during my telling, I ended up crying. I told her more than what is on this blog, for the simple reason that this is public knowledge, and there are a few things about my situation that I dont want to be public knowledge. After that we went on back to class and sang and did our music ace stuff. yay fun and joy. Signed a few yearbooks.

Next on my journey, I went home. To my dad's anyways. So I got home and he was already there, which I was displeased about. I enjoy my alone time very very much. So I threw my stuff in my room, cell phone and keys and all. Then I went back to the living room cause it was cooler in there, and ended up falling asleep in a chair. My dad apparently went to his room while i was asleep. I got woken up by my mom calling the house phone, I didnt know who it was so i just sat listening to the message. It was my mom saying that she brought me some brake fluid and that she had looked at my tire and it was FLAT.

So I ran to the door and went outside (if she saw my tire than apparently she was there.) and I went over to her. (Note: I had already gotten some brake fluid. A part of my bad day I forgot to mention earlier, I had a friend of mom's check my brake fluid just before I went to dad's. If I had went much longer without getting more, my brakes probably would have failed on me. And on these curvy mountain roads, that is NOT a good thing.) So I told her I had already gotten that changed. Then she showed me the FLAT I had on my front passangers side. They had checked my tires earlier in the day, and besides filling up the front on the DRIVERS side, everything else was good. So I dont know what happened. But it was as flat as a pancake! So I had to go wake my dad up and get him to get the air compresser and help me find the leak and everything. Which took a whopping thirty minutes.

Lets see. Then mom left, and I was on my way home. It was hot so I had my window down and my arm out the window. Well, I was leaving the four-lane and was starting down the road that leads to my house when I get and absolute DOWNPOUR. So I try and get my window up, which it of course decided it didnt want to go up all the way, so I gave up and reached over to turn on my wipers, and they wont move. Now this downpour, it was one of those "cant-see-ten-feet-in-front-of-me" downpours, and I'm driving at least 60mph with no wipers. Thats what happens when you have traffic both in front and behind you. I was freaking out. I literally started hyper-ventalating. I was yelling, and screaming, and crying out to God, that all I wanted to do was get home, just asking Him to get me home. That was one of the scariest times I've ever faced. And I have no clue how I finally made it, I know about a few miles down the road my wipers finally came on, and all the way home I was screaming and crying and I coulden't breathe. soooooooo scared.

I get home, ahve to take a hot bath, cause I was still freaked and I couldent calm down or anything, but water makes me calm so I took a bath. Then I decided to go to a friend's church. I told her youth pastor Chris about everything that has been going on with my dad and all, so he prays with me and then that is pretty much the end. I feel a little better now, and I'm hoping that tomorrow proves better......... I really have no clue how today could have been any worse.

My love, prayers, and...

-Wishes-

Currently Watching:
William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet (Special Edition)

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