W:I:S:H:E:S

Hey again. I know this is my third for today, but I'm feeling a lot of emotions right now and I'm just doing my best to work through them.

This one is about my dad. Today he made me so mad that I very nearly threw up right where I sat. I had tears in my eyes, I cry when I get truly mad, truly aggrevated. He's done it before too. Thats the worst part. I'm just not good enough. Not at all. The very first time I ever have to fill out any sort of paper work I come to him to ask for help with it, so I knew I was putting the right things down, he starts yelling at me because of my penmenship and because I couldent do the paperwork myself. Just not good enough for him.

One night I said something about wanting to go running(I had been upset, when I am upset beyond the point of caring I sometimes run, just because the physical pain takes me away from all the emotional pain I feel). He said yes, that would be a good idea, that I am getting fat. You dont tell a fourteen year old that. Thats why girls become annorexic and bolemic.

I had strep throat this past Spring, I knew I had it, I could see the sores and everything in the back of my throat, and I had all of the symptoms. He called me a Hypochondriac and would not take me to the doctor's. He told me to gargle salt water. Salt water doesnt get rid of a bacterial/viral infection. (Cant remember which that strep throat is) My mom ended up having to take me to the doctor because my dad would not. When I finally got the meds everything cleared up in a few days. Of course, after a few more days I break out head to toe in hives, allergic to the penicillan they gave me for the strep throat. Go figure.

Tonight I was just sitting there in a chair. I had went to a friend's church this morning, and I asked him how the service at our church was. He said it was okay, and that he had saw Jeff(mom's ex-husband) and his mom there. I said that was good and all. And he said that noah was looking better, I just kinda looked at him funny. He said that Noah was probably the ugliest baby he had ever seen.

A slap in the face? More like a bullet to the head. I may not like kids or anything, but Noah is my brother. My dad is a hypocrit to an extreme, and the way he talks when he is not at church, thats why Christians have bad names! I very very nearly threw up where I sat. I got so angry my eyes started tearing up and I went to my room for awhile.

Nothing is calming me down. I text'd with my sister for a long time about it, and she made me feel a bit better. I asked her what she did when he made her sick like that, she said that she always escaped to her mom's and there was nothing he could do about it. But I can't do that. My mom has no legal rights, since my dad didnt let the adoption go through when they were still married. And shes not legally my mom, my birth mother died when I was three months. So I never actually knew her. So Cindy is my mom and always has been. But we still have no legal rights, and I really cant do anything until I'm 18, and I hate it.

-Wishes-